A procedure that draws blood from a woman’s arm and extracts the platelets to pump into her breasts has doubled in popularity
Through conquest, Alexander the Great established one of the most vast land empires of the classical age. It stretched from the Mediterranean, through North Africa and on to Asia. He was undefeated in battle, awash with the trophies of victories, self-anointed as a god. Yet a popular quote describes the young conquerer-king viewing the magnificence of his achievements with despair: “And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept – for there were no more worlds to conquer.” Most people know these words from when Alan Rickman says them in Die Hard.
It’s a shame that Alexander’s lifespan pre-dated the modern beauty industry. Because if you desire territorial conquest opportunities that are limitless, you don’t need to bother with the satrapies of Asia Minor, the kings of Persia or a shoeless Bruce Willis anymore. Just grab the nearest female body and slash, slice, stab, burn and pillage away. No phalanxes of Macedonian foot-soldiers are necessary – merely gather an Instagram account, a willing celebrity endorsement and the kind of prevailing external culture of misogyny that won’t let any human female rest her own self-hatred for a single minute. Actually, you don’t even need the celebrity or the Instagram account. Just the last one – although it never hurts to shove a freebie into the Oscar’s showbag.